authenticity

Y'all know how I love to think a shit ton... so basically you already know where this is going.
I have previously talked about in a video how much I fail at blogging... how writing isn't my strong suit, and especially when I try to do it online I have way too many opportunities to go back and edit what I've said. And so, I feel like it is hardest for me to be authentic in this scenario - which is exactly what I want to talk about... authenticity. Seems like I'm not setting myself up very well - but just because I don't find this area my strong suit doesn't mean I shouldn't practice more. So I'm going to write...and I'm going to avoid trying to carefully articulate each word.

To my understanding there's multiple layers to this.. there's being authentic with yourself, with the multiple aspects of ourselves, with others; there's the many ways that it can be inhibited... All of this kind of mixes together and can actually get pretty controversial sometimes - for example there's the question of why you would need to be authentic with the entire world in the first place - do you really owe your whole life story to everyone you meet? That aside, I want to discuss a level of authenticity that has to do with being authentic with yourself - and part of this does transpire with being authentic with the outside. That's a natural byproduct I believe - being authentic with yourself will naturally allow you to be authentic to the right degree and right amount with the outside - it's not necessarily going to be like spilling your life's story to the world... So with that being noted - lets dive into me trying to be authentic with myself 

I might ask, why is it something that I have to work at? Aren't I just automatically authentic? Well yes, that's what I started to learn as part of the journey. It doesn't do any good to be worried about striving for authenticity... We are authentic, it's already there within ourselves, the issue comes when aspects of our environment or our inner selves try to obstruct that authenticity with in-authenticity. 

For example, when I started traveling and really meeting completely different people, I found myself missing people back home. I pushed for more alone time; I wanted to separate myself and I missed the people in my life back home. Why? Because I was and could openly be authentic with those people. But there is more to just that... 

Lets take a step back first. I had a period of time where I was questioning my own authenticity, who I really am, ect. This was when I was back home. I think the vibration of that question is what led me to travelling - the universe wanted to show me what in-authenticity was so that I could understand authenticity. Meeting new people gave me a very strong and obvious sign as to where I am being in-authentic. Specifically that started to happen when I pushed away from these people (well more specifically one person...but we don't have to get into that). I noticed a side of myself that I didn't like, I was bitching about people, talking shit, being negative, and I was more aggressive with trying to be right all the time. I saw these aspects in this person and I started to see them within myself as well. I didn't like it so by pushing that person away I felt like I could push away that aspect of myself as well. The important thing to realize is that me being this person that I didn't like is not the part of me being in-authentic. In fact, the whole point is that it IS a part of me - and we'll get to the acceptance part in a sec... The act of in-authenticity came about because I tried to push that part of me away. I did this by looking for more alone time - now it could have gone much worse than that. I looked for alone time but I was still consciously aware of this negative aspect of myself and I had a desire to look within. I was feeling divided. (In the worse scenario I could have looked for alone time to ignore the situation at large and to successfully push my this negative personality into my subconscious.) 

So I took some time to dig into who I understand myself to be, I did research on a bunch of different spiritual and psychological topics, trying to find ways that I could answer these questions of who I am. The striking reveal of this side of me had caught me off guard and I was taking an approach as to how to not become this person. This is where acceptance comes in...

Authenticity and shadow work teach that you have these negative and bad parts of you that your environment has taught you how to bury. We do a pretty good job at it - no one wants to be a bad person and we all want to look for acceptance and love from others. Accepting these negative traits is not saying that you have to become a bad person - it is saying that you have to realize you are human - you are not perfect - these negative traits are a part of who you are and they are a part of everyone who are also having this human experience. I think this is important when thinking about enlightenment as well. It's not that we are striving to become this perfect persona. We are supposed to learn how to harmonize our spiritual and human self. And part of recognizing this human self is recognizing our light and dark side - because that is the nature of humanity, that is authenticity. To my belief the goal of becoming a spiritual healer, teacher, or enlightened soul isn't to disregard our human experience but to fully understand it and work with it while we are here. 

After piecing all of this together, I wanted to take it a step further and think about why I have fears in sharing certain aspects of my life. Especially with thoughts like these - I don't like to share them outside our circle. What is it I am worried about? Well, I suppose it is obvious, I fear an intimacy with with world. Now there's another question of am I obligated to be open with the world? I still have some thoughts to work out on this topic but I think for now my own willingness and desire to be more open is an indication that any obligation is irrelevant - if it's something I want to do I should do it. And from this I think I'm beginning to break out of this fear by virtue of realizing it is there. I have a desire to reach out - I'm going to start doing youtube and speaking more on spirituality... so I suppose as long as things are changing for me and I continue on this path things will be good. 

As an aspiring artist this whole topic most certainly applies as well. There are certainly a lot of fears surrounding expressing the ideas I want to express, doing it in a way I want to do it and trying to be accepted by a certain community so that I can succeed in this career path. I think this is another layer in my personal experience where things start to get even more complicated and that I could go on forever on the topic so I'll stop there. But it all plays into an encompassing fear that I am working on - my fear with expressing deeper thoughts, a fear of divulging that authenticity with the world. It's something I want to do - I want to be a teacher and a healer and I want to have these platforms but there are some elements that hold me back - I think I am just beginning to break out of it. 

In all, these are just my thoughts and what I am learning; let me know what you think and if you want some more content on these topics I can send you some links if you ask :)